It’s been so long fellow bloggers and stumbler’s , I do not have the will or patience to go about explaining my unending story of peaks and valleys this year so to reconnect with you again I leave a list of my major happenings this year !

1.     Read some beautiful literature, fell in love with words.

2.     Made a mistake, hurt someone along the way.

3.     Sat on Malibu beach and thought about Ireland, listened to the beach boys to brighten that disposition.

4.     Watched some Mexicans fish at a carnival.

5.     Ate pizuoki (i.e. a giant cookie delight with an empire of Ice cream heaped on top.) with some people I will never forget.

6.     Mopeded all along Californian highways, realised I lived a different life!

7.     Cried a little on Skype, or a lot.

8.     Seen a need and went with it against my better judgement.

9.     Decided I am stubborn and stupid, learned to rely on My God. 

10.        Drove to LAX, watched the city of lights, spilt a tear of sorrow, spilt a tear of joy to see dark Shannon airport.

11.            Watched someone I love learn to fall head first into love, watched them pursue purity and holiness, danced like a crazy person at their wedding!

12.            Observed some people really CANNOT dance.

13.            Hid in a toilet

14.            Went to a bride’s maid dress fitting in my fish wellingtons.

15.            Remained sleepless for a long time.

16.            Discovered SOUL, funk, jazz, danced and really felt it.

17.            Watched rain run down windows in what seemed like a   barren land, sat in it       and praised my creator.

18.            Watched Helicopters parade my school looking for an axe murderer.

19.            Had vanilla earl grey tea.

20.            Ate fudge in Windsor. NOM NOM’s

21.            Fainted on top of some randomer from Boston at a gig, was carried out by paramedics, laughed with friends at my mortifying statements in compromised states of consciousness.

22.            Decided to conquer world cooking one country at a time. Still got a lot to do there.

23.            Ate some good and bad food.

24.            Felt Lonely shrugged it off.

25.            Embraced the way things are.

26.            Found my purpose in what seemed purposeless.

27.            Fought with someone I love.

28.            Said to hell with it, and said what I felt!

29.            Closed some doors, opened others.

30.            Learned sticky toffee pavlova exists

31.            Had the BEST coconut cream chai latte, in the city I will live in this year, with the bestest friend Amy. Found an apartment I shall call my humble abode.

32.            Jogged every night, decided exercise is not self destructive really......

33.            Seen people are never pleased, decided to please God instead.

34.            Drank a passion fruit and coconut cocktail Mmmmm

35.            Worked.

36.            Painted what I wanted to.

37.            Decided real women are not skinny, decided to pursue iconic art in fashion.

38.            Made a vintage dress with my mom.

39.            Watched my sister “evaporate” her orchid because watering it would kill it??

40.            Gave some advice, took some too!

41.            Had a hair disaster or two, laughed at my orange head, wore a scarf for 3 days.

42.            Discovered real men (i.e. Mr. Thornton) are thoughtful.

43.            Climbed a mountain or two.

44.            Felt comfortable, walked all over the Irish countryside. 

45.            Climbed bales of hay, had people stare at me.

46.            Got a car, which brought me to the beach, which consisted of fruitless evenings of swimming in the sea, and running along the beach with my happy dog stitch.

47.            Relished in the joy of a butter cream bun has to offer.

48.            Seen my little baby sister grow in a way that scares any older sister, watched guys watch her!! OHH lord the tough stuff comes here!

49.            Felt a heart flutter, told myself “YOUR RIDICULOUS”

50.            Watched Swans admired their consistency.

The Fear you might fall.

I don't know if you have ever stumbled upon the music of Joshua Radin, a small town indie,acoustic guitar hugging delight but ever since I heard him weave a melody full of promise, I have been, shall we say hooked. However I woke up this morning with a strange desire to write again . Its been so long I don't even know why,I have not written since leaving California but this morning I had an appetite for literature and so I bring myself to the point of no return. Joshua delves into many complex human emotions and dealings with his beyond surface lyrics however one song expresses the pure depravity of man, the fear of vulnerability and surrender. Its a subject, I feel we are even afraid to address or admit to . We all want to feel self sufficient, self provided and assured and Joshua Radin manages to make melody from our greatest fear. The fear you won't fall is not your typical love scarred song . although I do not know Radins personal findings and situations .I do know it has a universal appeal far broader than Joshua probably even planned. 


"I know your scared that I'll soon be over it, that's part of it all, part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall" wither your situation presents a lilted lover, a friendships falling , or even the traumatic event of watching someone you love suffer or hurt .Is it not true that we run from vulnerability like one runs from a burning house . Why is that though? From what I observe in my small walk of life we are insecure, self doubting and ultimately self conscious . From some self evaluation,I realise we would rather glide in the shadows, the grey areas. There is no criticism, judgement or disappointment in what is undefined. Romantically we will never make that big gesture, we will never make the vulnerably motion towards intimacy, the hard pressed, sweaty palmed , "do you want to go out some time" . We all know it.
To me the biggest gesture some one can make is the slow, struggling journey away from the frightened rooms of self preservation, to the acknowledgement that life without one person, or many people is not life at all and so, the long walk home to being emotionally vulnerably to another, is an exercise that is necessary.I do not possess vast amounts of wisdom, but let me tell you something friend,as someone who knows what it is to leave everything familiar to embark upon a journey of reliance yet independence.  It is my conviction that If we live in a compromised state of lurking in the shadows of the undefined, we will only reap compromised results. If you really want to live, don't live in fear . if you like me want to make more of an impact in the lives of those you love, you will step out in faith and just realise everything cannot be explained, everything does not always make sense but Love is what connects us , it places us on common ground , no judgement just honesty in love, no superiority to one another just a humble view of our minuscule position in relation to the planets and globes around us. Surrender to one another, let there be no hypocrisy or falseness among you . You know your worst fears are not individual as much as we like to think we are different to the majority, the more accurate view is we are all built by the same hands,and our emotional appeal is for the most part the same . I am aware that it is easier "to say but its harder to feel this way"but true love in all forms takes its shape in expression and shared ideas and plans ones that do not look around at the common perception of what all our relationships ought to be. Loving another more than our own desires cannot be defined by others. It has no right to be.
It seems at times that our whole world has devalued and be become desensitised toward what real love and expression of this love really is. Why love one woman when you can have many ? Why reach a common ground with your parents, they only ever judge me,yet they pay for your college fees that are slandered away. How much is too much ? The common perception is that too much expression of love is   weak  . Radin steps away from this label "It hasn't felt like this before, it hasn't felt like home before you" How many people are you willing to say that to. Not just romantically, We are moved by all relationships not just romantic ones. The idea of finding home in another suggests the bridge of vulnerability has been crossed and home has been found in the heart of another. A benefit we will never know as a generation . "Digging a hole and the walls are caving in behind me, Airs getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in Come find me " The words are self explanatory don't half live in a lazy slump, grasp opportunities, don't fear them . There is no the majority rules when being surrendered to another.

A matter of strength

                                                              

"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!"
Eleanor Roosevelt

I was wandering on the net today, trying to persuade myself that I was being counter productive and I came across this interesting little quote .Comical in its comparison, yet could it be more truthful? Ever since I can remember I have had a fascination with the diversity of beauty in women . I am well aware that this sounds misleading, but let me show you my reasoning .I have never discovered two women cut from the same cloth .It seems to me that every woman has a unique beauty,if it is not an outward manifestation then it is an inward lantern shining through that cloth .Women are all grace and intelligence, even the weakest representation of our sex is proof of that . I am not trying to say that Men are at all inferior, as much as our feminist hearts try and believe this lie, we know it is not the truth . Rather women are keenly obvious with the "little things" that make up personality .Frank Sinatra sang it right "the way you wear your hat, the way you sip your tea ,the memory of all that, they can't take that away from me " The song goes on to describe the precise way this woman carries out the smaller finer things .The things which we ponder to escape the notice of other's but that is rarely the truth.

One thing I am sure of, we are wonderfully created. Maybe my emphasise on feminine grace is due to my biased and superior knowledge of women .I can hardly agree that I have ventured within the complex region of man's mind, as they know it . However my mind is raptured with our range of emotions and although God created us as helper's that is by no means a way to demean our respective role as women .God himself is described as our helper, comforter and counseller. The same is true of women,what a privelege .We are close to the image of a divine creator ! Yet I am constantly misled by the concept of "weaker vessels " . Love is not weak sister, Creating a refuge, being a refuge is far from weakness it requires strength quite the contrary . I have a teacher, a mother ,a warrior ,a leader .I have watched  my mother for my whole life .Her weakness has been made strength ,her woes, conquests.  When she finds herself in a predictament, she fights and wins, yet relises it is not of her strength . Hot Water? She not only strengthens herself, she swims in it . My prayer for you, dear reader is that you relish in your particular God given beauty . It's within you ,it is what refines you and makes you a medal of God's glory .If you find yourself in hot water ,let it purge you all that means is you will be more beautiful .Endurance creates my friend.

Friendship (A letter to Amy )

                                              


“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”


Friendship is one of the complex matters of Life that seem almost interchangable . Companionship takes many forms, its sharing an umbrella when the world rains down, Its a back rub after a long drudged day, companionship is breaking the rigid lines of politeness tearing down mannerism's and embracing the heart . Every breathing soul needs another to filter through . The thing about Friendship is, its unchanging .
Since I have packed up my life and begun anew , the voyage has brought me along an exciting adventure of friend finding . This can take many shapes or forms, us girls unite on any common fixation to bond and unify. Some girls appreciate fashion, the latest trends in europe, the question of how one shall be percepted .Other's debate horrendously serious subjects (which I find no enjoyment in !).Subjects like government, politics and world famous leader figures ,still others will hide behind their pretty faces and speak of nothing (these are the worst!).Yet in us all is the esteemed desire , need even to relate to another human being .
This has been around from the beginning of time and will span ages .We are fellowshiping creatures, We were made to yearn a chat over tea, a hug , and even a random note expressing adoring compliments . This Journey, so to speak has taken me far and wide ,breaking social denominations .Whats interesting is that from my small study, we are never more alike .
New Friends,Old friends, siblings we all desire a common bond . We need somebody to believe in us when we are beyond belief ourselve's . I do not mean to over utilize the simplicity of innocence (as I addressed in my previous blog ) but I cannot help thinking that this simple encouragement exchanged between Christopher Robin and Pooh could not sum up our ardent desire for friendship .We need to believe, we are bravier, stronger and smarter and if you have the privelege of calling yourself a woman you best add on beauty grace and charm .Our carnal sentiments within us necessitate all this and more . I am so glad that I have the privelege of admonishing, admiring, loving and caring for my selected few . Some types of love are unchangable and challenge distance ,spans of time and all other unthinkable hurdles. Praise your Creator He made a soul sister for you today .The one who seems to have been created to mirror and/or counteract the things which you hold deep within your heart .


dedicated to Amy Abrahams (Continents have nothing on us girl !)

God is probably the only one who can write with broken pencils ...

You may have looked at that title and wondered . It has taken me along time to grasp the concept too.
Society today will tell you, you are stronger than a savior .As a generation we do not need help .My story the last few months has been about learning this valid lesson.
Sometimes it hits us. We grasp how far we have fallen .My first week in my home church "Faith Community" was one of those enlightening moments for me .Simplicity, we all long for it yet within our flesh we war against it .Our Pastor stands up and addresses the problem with world culture for decades.
"Jesus said "Let the little children come to me ""Innocently a small child runs to the Pastor's arm and tugs, he is lifted into welcoming arms where he gazes on the congregation. I love children just for their innocence, there sheer reliance on the rest of mankind speaks to me .Have you ever asked yourself why exactly that had to change ?When did this all knowing change even occur ? As this little child watches the church,he does not know what his silence is saying .Let the little children come to me. Jesus wanted the invalid ,he loved those who believed and didn't need a reason why. Our society has fallen so far , we are built upon proofs from feeble biased unreliant "scientists".You will never find God in a science lab and if you were looking there, maybe you should not even be looking. If twilight and dusk and sunrise do not speak to you ,if they do not whisper of the presence of God then maybe your whole view of God has been thwarted by humanity .Men in Jesus' time where above the reproach of children and women . They would not waste their time. Jesus beckons the children to His presence .He tells us of His love for all .Are you broken, incapable, without resolution? Find your peace at the feet of the one who died for you .The one who bore all the doubts,all the fallen reasonings ,the worries that come at night, the hurt that lashes out .Is there anything more loving than dying for the one you love ?
Our Paster  leans toward this little one ."Who do you love ?"he asks . The little boy of five ,leans toward the microphone and speaks the geniune truth, backed up by the sincerity in those little brown eyes . "I love Jesus because He died for me "It's so simple . We over look  the finer details .The glimpse of God in the waves,the rustle of the tree's, the look of adoration in a friend,s eyes. This is God .The true Redeemer, know Him today and complexity and strife will be made simple as you look through yout childish eyes at your Father who sets you in His arms.