It’s been so long fellow bloggers and stumbler’s , I do not have the will or patience to go about explaining my unending story of peaks and valleys this year so to reconnect with you again I leave a list of my major happenings this year !

1.     Read some beautiful literature, fell in love with words.

2.     Made a mistake, hurt someone along the way.

3.     Sat on Malibu beach and thought about Ireland, listened to the beach boys to brighten that disposition.

4.     Watched some Mexicans fish at a carnival.

5.     Ate pizuoki (i.e. a giant cookie delight with an empire of Ice cream heaped on top.) with some people I will never forget.

6.     Mopeded all along Californian highways, realised I lived a different life!

7.     Cried a little on Skype, or a lot.

8.     Seen a need and went with it against my better judgement.

9.     Decided I am stubborn and stupid, learned to rely on My God. 

10.        Drove to LAX, watched the city of lights, spilt a tear of sorrow, spilt a tear of joy to see dark Shannon airport.

11.            Watched someone I love learn to fall head first into love, watched them pursue purity and holiness, danced like a crazy person at their wedding!

12.            Observed some people really CANNOT dance.

13.            Hid in a toilet

14.            Went to a bride’s maid dress fitting in my fish wellingtons.

15.            Remained sleepless for a long time.

16.            Discovered SOUL, funk, jazz, danced and really felt it.

17.            Watched rain run down windows in what seemed like a   barren land, sat in it       and praised my creator.

18.            Watched Helicopters parade my school looking for an axe murderer.

19.            Had vanilla earl grey tea.

20.            Ate fudge in Windsor. NOM NOM’s

21.            Fainted on top of some randomer from Boston at a gig, was carried out by paramedics, laughed with friends at my mortifying statements in compromised states of consciousness.

22.            Decided to conquer world cooking one country at a time. Still got a lot to do there.

23.            Ate some good and bad food.

24.            Felt Lonely shrugged it off.

25.            Embraced the way things are.

26.            Found my purpose in what seemed purposeless.

27.            Fought with someone I love.

28.            Said to hell with it, and said what I felt!

29.            Closed some doors, opened others.

30.            Learned sticky toffee pavlova exists

31.            Had the BEST coconut cream chai latte, in the city I will live in this year, with the bestest friend Amy. Found an apartment I shall call my humble abode.

32.            Jogged every night, decided exercise is not self destructive really......

33.            Seen people are never pleased, decided to please God instead.

34.            Drank a passion fruit and coconut cocktail Mmmmm

35.            Worked.

36.            Painted what I wanted to.

37.            Decided real women are not skinny, decided to pursue iconic art in fashion.

38.            Made a vintage dress with my mom.

39.            Watched my sister “evaporate” her orchid because watering it would kill it??

40.            Gave some advice, took some too!

41.            Had a hair disaster or two, laughed at my orange head, wore a scarf for 3 days.

42.            Discovered real men (i.e. Mr. Thornton) are thoughtful.

43.            Climbed a mountain or two.

44.            Felt comfortable, walked all over the Irish countryside. 

45.            Climbed bales of hay, had people stare at me.

46.            Got a car, which brought me to the beach, which consisted of fruitless evenings of swimming in the sea, and running along the beach with my happy dog stitch.

47.            Relished in the joy of a butter cream bun has to offer.

48.            Seen my little baby sister grow in a way that scares any older sister, watched guys watch her!! OHH lord the tough stuff comes here!

49.            Felt a heart flutter, told myself “YOUR RIDICULOUS”

50.            Watched Swans admired their consistency.

The Fear you might fall.

I don't know if you have ever stumbled upon the music of Joshua Radin, a small town indie,acoustic guitar hugging delight but ever since I heard him weave a melody full of promise, I have been, shall we say hooked. However I woke up this morning with a strange desire to write again . Its been so long I don't even know why,I have not written since leaving California but this morning I had an appetite for literature and so I bring myself to the point of no return. Joshua delves into many complex human emotions and dealings with his beyond surface lyrics however one song expresses the pure depravity of man, the fear of vulnerability and surrender. Its a subject, I feel we are even afraid to address or admit to . We all want to feel self sufficient, self provided and assured and Joshua Radin manages to make melody from our greatest fear. The fear you won't fall is not your typical love scarred song . although I do not know Radins personal findings and situations .I do know it has a universal appeal far broader than Joshua probably even planned. 


"I know your scared that I'll soon be over it, that's part of it all, part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall" wither your situation presents a lilted lover, a friendships falling , or even the traumatic event of watching someone you love suffer or hurt .Is it not true that we run from vulnerability like one runs from a burning house . Why is that though? From what I observe in my small walk of life we are insecure, self doubting and ultimately self conscious . From some self evaluation,I realise we would rather glide in the shadows, the grey areas. There is no criticism, judgement or disappointment in what is undefined. Romantically we will never make that big gesture, we will never make the vulnerably motion towards intimacy, the hard pressed, sweaty palmed , "do you want to go out some time" . We all know it.
To me the biggest gesture some one can make is the slow, struggling journey away from the frightened rooms of self preservation, to the acknowledgement that life without one person, or many people is not life at all and so, the long walk home to being emotionally vulnerably to another, is an exercise that is necessary.I do not possess vast amounts of wisdom, but let me tell you something friend,as someone who knows what it is to leave everything familiar to embark upon a journey of reliance yet independence.  It is my conviction that If we live in a compromised state of lurking in the shadows of the undefined, we will only reap compromised results. If you really want to live, don't live in fear . if you like me want to make more of an impact in the lives of those you love, you will step out in faith and just realise everything cannot be explained, everything does not always make sense but Love is what connects us , it places us on common ground , no judgement just honesty in love, no superiority to one another just a humble view of our minuscule position in relation to the planets and globes around us. Surrender to one another, let there be no hypocrisy or falseness among you . You know your worst fears are not individual as much as we like to think we are different to the majority, the more accurate view is we are all built by the same hands,and our emotional appeal is for the most part the same . I am aware that it is easier "to say but its harder to feel this way"but true love in all forms takes its shape in expression and shared ideas and plans ones that do not look around at the common perception of what all our relationships ought to be. Loving another more than our own desires cannot be defined by others. It has no right to be.
It seems at times that our whole world has devalued and be become desensitised toward what real love and expression of this love really is. Why love one woman when you can have many ? Why reach a common ground with your parents, they only ever judge me,yet they pay for your college fees that are slandered away. How much is too much ? The common perception is that too much expression of love is   weak  . Radin steps away from this label "It hasn't felt like this before, it hasn't felt like home before you" How many people are you willing to say that to. Not just romantically, We are moved by all relationships not just romantic ones. The idea of finding home in another suggests the bridge of vulnerability has been crossed and home has been found in the heart of another. A benefit we will never know as a generation . "Digging a hole and the walls are caving in behind me, Airs getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in Come find me " The words are self explanatory don't half live in a lazy slump, grasp opportunities, don't fear them . There is no the majority rules when being surrendered to another.